Just how alone you are in the world, how your existence really just doesn’t matter. And yes I have friends, but it’s not the same thing. When you have called every relative you have and none of them will even cosign something for you, because you are not worth even the consideration. And I can’t blame them, i’m not worth it. When you are hoping that your job is open on christmas so that you can work instead of being completely alone. When you have reached the point where you for once can’t figure things out or make the pieces fit, but no one will help you even when you finally get the courage to ask for help. The only person I can thank for getting into this position is myself. I pushed people away, I became an abstract idea that’s just too messy to deal with. I have no one to blame but myself. I hope that I never forget this feeling, I hope it burns itself into the back of my overactive brain, so that I never forget exactly what I deserve.